When you're really good at getting in your own way
When you go into business for yourself, it becomes very clear very quickly how good you are at working against yourself in every way possible.
One of the most important—and difficult—lessons I’ve had to learn as a therapist is that it’s vitally important for me to learn how to work with myself rather than against myself. And more than that—it’s important to actually implement the things I learn about how I work best, rather than hemming and hawing about why it won’t work or why I don’t want to do it.
This may seem like a piece of “no duh” advice, but the reality is that it’s historically been VERY difficult for me to heed this particular advice, despite repeated kicks in the shin by the consequences of not listening and doing what I know needs to be done (metaphorically speaking). A deeply-embedded part of my work story has been the (negative) core belief that work is inherently hard—that work is work and that difficulty is not only expected, but a core part of what it means to have a job.
It has been a continuous and often frustrating process of decoupling struggle and difficulty from the idea of career and vocation. When things have happened without struggle in my businesses, it’s brought on serious doubts and a lack of trust in the idea that success could be easy for me—I don’t inherently trust that I might be able to do well without dragging myself through the mud and hating life along the way.
So what has this actually looked like, manifest in my day to day life?
Getting a big idea and initiating it quickly, before fully giving myself time to understand the impact of acting on the idea and all of the longer-term effects on my energy, time, money, etc., essentially setting myself up for overwhelm and overwork because I haven’t built in any processes around tempering my impulses.
Freaking the hell out when my schedule is too full, and then freaking the hell out when my schedule isn’t full enough—not giving myself the grace of understanding that the very nature of fee-for-service work is that is it changeable, ebbing and flowing, and that lulls have always been followed by abundance, and vice versa.
Seeing empty space on my calendar as a dangerous void that needs to be immediately filled by a thing—a new project, a new client, a new creative endeavor, anything—rather than an invitation to gently disengage from productivity and enjoy the space while it lasts.
Knowing that I procrastinate hardcore on the tedium of the job—like writing notes, for example (omfg, the notes)—and rather than building systems and routines that support a non-procrastinating approach, I double down and do anything but the shit I really need to get done, which only serves to further my stress and overwhelm
Fortune-telling and forecasting how things won’t work out in my business, even when things are actually working out really well in the present moment—thereby making it nearly impossible for me to enjoy the successful times while I’m in them, and ensuring a sense of nostalgia for the “good times” when things inevitably change.
Keeping a seemingly endless list of to-do items and “urgent” tasks (many of which aren’t actually urgent, ~90% of which I have created all on my own without anyone requesting them from me and around which I feel a sense of urgency to deliver even though I’m the only one who expects it or has the deadline in mind).
Holding myself to unrealistic expectations—straight up, not allowing myself as much grace or leeway as I would others, and thinking that I should be able to manage it all without fail: a full-time private practice, a part-time consultation business, a regular Substack publication, an Instagram page with 15k+ followers, a word-of-mouth content creation business, a podcast, a free mentorship program, and of course, the rest of my fucking life (like being married, having a household with cats and a step son, being physically active, trying to make/keep friends but failing, keeping up with family, etc).
Being hard on myself for trying to make sense of this entrepreneurial world and everything that comes with running the whole show by yourself.
With this in mind, what would it look like for me to actually work with myself, rather than against myself? I have a few ideas…
Scheduling non-negotiable “free” blocks of time that are dedicated to anything and everything non-work related. Having these time blocks prioritized and held to the same standard of importance as my client hours and project hours.
Giving myself permission to release or delegate the things that overwhelm me and suck the energy out of my soul, even if it means spending a little more $$ or releasing some element of control over the outcome (like signing up for a full-service bookkeeping and tax prep service so I don’t have to worry about reconciling my QuickBooks every month).
Narrowing in the focus of my services and sticking to my zone of genius, rather than being a jack-of-all-trades and stretching myself beyond what is reasonable
Acknowledging and planning for surges and crashes in my own energy levels, so I do feel like an abject failure when I encounter the days (or weeks) where all I want to do is crawl into bed and tune out the world after I’m done with work.
Adjusting projects and offerings in the ways that I need them to be adjusted, letting people know what is changing, and allowing them to make the decision about whether they’d like to continue hanging out in my bubble or moving on to something/someone new.
Giving myself the gift of a routine that will allow me to properly metabolize and process my feelings about the work I do on a day to day basis—whether that is setting aside 5 minutes for brain dumping at the end of the day, going to consultation/supervision more regularly, and/or tagging in a business bestie who is in a similar stage of business growth and development and who can be a sounding board for all of the pain and joy that comes up in this process.
Giving myself time to daydream and be creative without any need or desire to share it with the world.
Redirecting my creative energy away from social media and into the platforms that will feed me and my curiosity, rather than making me feel like I need to “dance for the camera” for likes and shares.
Taking a reality-based perspective on what I can and cannot do. Allowing myself to experience the disappointment of not being able to do what I want all of the time, and giving myself space to push past discomfort when needed.
Stop the hemming and hawing about what needs to change and just fucking change it.
When I work on recentering myself on the items in the latter list, rather than continuing to screw myself over by continuing with the former, I find the pressure in my chest slowly releasing, and the space in my mind slowly expanding. It’s not a perfect system, but it’s what I have to help myself when I’m the only one in the room.
Anyway, thanks for being here. I know my writing has been intermittent and, at times, riddled with typos (fuck, I’m sorry—as a creative writing person, it pains me to go back and reread my finger-slips, but alas, here we are). I’ve been caught up doing a lot of the shit on that first list, and am working on righting the ship, so to speak.
Your continued support means a lot to me.
‘til next time
-Meg